New "rules" for North American soccer.

One of the first things people say about soccer when they move to North America is "why so many rules?"

Boards and committees usually institute rules in reaction to somebody trying something sneaky, so most rules tell you what you "cannot" do.   You can't do this and you can't do that.  Our kids are bombarded with what they can't do.

I am flexing my muscle and influence as an unknown, amateur, online author and changing the tune by implementing a new set of rules for North American soccer.

We can leave the "Rules and regulations" to the people who administer soccer.  I don't envy those people as their work always deals with negative issues.   I guess with the hundreds of thousands of players registered, there should be some structure or semblance of order.

My rules revolve around building our game's culture.

I submit these for immediate adoption by the CSA and USSF.  These are all things you can or must do.  No "cannot" or "shall not".

These focus mostly on U13 and below, but are universally applicable.

• If any of your players attend a school that has soccer goals that are not white, you must demand that the parent ask the teacher to give your player the day off school to paint them.  If the request is denied, they should switch schools.
• You must have at least 20 inflated balls at training.  A minimum of 15 should be the same brand.  Hopefully all 20.  If the balls are not properly inflated, you must give yourself a disappointed look in the mirror next time you are in the washroom.
• Every player on your team must have their own ball and have a story of what they've broken with that ball.  The more expensive the story, the cooler the kid.
• You must have one ball in your bag that you have no idea of it's origins and pretend you don't know what the marked club initials on it mean.  
• You must organize one yearly excursion to support the closest semi-pro or pro team. 
• You must show your players they don't always have to play soccer on a lined, grass field with two goals.  Every year you must schedule training in at least 4 different environments (paved parking lots, gyms, park, beach, etc)
• You must give your kids time to show off at training.
• You must have one session per year where everybody can bring a friend.
• Your session plan must have the goal of your players leaving a little better than when they arrived.
• You must greet every player by name and shake hands when your team convenes.
• You must know 10 soccer jokes to tell your players. And tell them well, as delivery is very important.  "The Queen and the Pope attended The Old Firm and ..."
• You must know the location of every ice cream shop near all fields in your schedule. 
• You must let your players speak at half time.
• You must turn tournaments into family events. You will be eliminated from a tournament if you do not schedule a team dinner.  ie Quaker Steak and Lube in Erie, Pa. Here is your Welland Ontario Restaurant guide.
• Your team must host a simple post-game BBQ for both teams twice/season.  Hopefully your team is at an away field on the night of your opponents mandated BBQ.   Hot dogs and juice boxes are good enough.  Hopefully my mom is not there to say "hot dogs???  Eek ... I could have brought (insert excessive food)"
• If you have tryouts, you must select one player who has a swimming pool.
• You must coach/teach everybody.  You are expected to work to improve every player. Yes, even that player.
• You must let your players have some coach-free play time at training.
• You must spend at least 8 hours a year in coaching development and have at least one beer with a group of coaches.
• You must spend 4 hours a year running sessions for teams younger than yours.
• You must have somebody take high quality photos at several games so all players have action shots of themselves.  1/320 shutter speed or faster.
• You must not embarrass your youth team with a lame name.  Yes, I'm talking about you Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes.
• You must learn Law 11 so you don't look like an idiot in front of your players griping over a proper Offside call.
• If you are too serious when checking the other team's player cards, you must self-administer an enema when you return home.  You know the coaches I am talking about and you know they need it. 
• Your parents' lawn chairs must be at least 3m from the touch line.  They don't need to be that close. (Oh, that's 3.28 yds for our American brothers and sisters.  It's time to conform.)
• If you are a nationally licensed coach, you must always have three coaches to mentor as a condition to keep your license.
• Your track suit top MUST match the bottom. No wiggle room here.  Sorry. We've seen the results when this standard is missing.
• Your track suit must fit properly.  Deviating from this standard is not a good scene.
• You must wear clothing with a soccer theme.  No Toronto Maple Leaf t-shirts.
• You must ensure your defenders' shoes are black and their hair is its natural colour. No flashy players for a serious job like that.
• Your must buy volunteer board members and convenors Timmy's Cards at the end of the season. Dunkin Donuts cards are an acceptable alternative in the USA.
• You must shake hands with referees and opposing coaches and leave the bench area on good terms.
• If your players have siblings, they must be part of the "team" culture.  You won't be sorry.  ie You must include them if you take the team out for ice cream.
• If there is a better environment for your best player to move to, you must encourage them to go. The best coaches lose their best players.
• The answer must be "YES" when a kid asks to borrow a ball.  Even if you don't know them. Who cares if they lose it.  You should be ready for a surprise test at any time, anywhere as I do get around.  In 28 years as a club youth coach , I admit to never returning the same number of balls I was allotted.  Not planned, it just happens.   I am sure they are all safe somewhere.
• You must have spare socks and shin pads in your bag for a kid who forgets.  While their parents are pretending to be upset and blah blah blah just give the kid what they need.
• You must be late for at least two family functions per season because you had training or a game.
• You must always be ready to organize a friendly for your team, anytime, anywhere.  My nephew was in shock when I set up a game during Easter Sunday mass with a friend's team while they were collecting the money.  He was close enough and we whispered, so it's not a sin.  

I am far too modest to take credit for this legislative revolution.  I give my blessing to our national federations to pretend they came up with this.

In the over-used words of Rameses in "The Ten Commandments" , So Let it be Written, So Let it be Done.

P.S.  Added by  Coach Chris Loucks ... you must know how to strategize using condiments.

Added by Casselman Sports ... you must let your players experience playing soccer with bare feet.